Keskustelu

Copypastetan lupaa kysymättä, pyytämättä ja yllätyksenä käymämme pikaviestinkeskustelun tähän koska siitä nyt saa varmaan aika hyvän kuvan siitä missä mennään. Ja ehkäpä myös mielenkiintoista sisäpiiritietoa keskustelutavastani silloin kun en blogaa.

Pahoittelen huolittelematonta kieliasua, mutta ei pikaviestimissä nyt aina ole se kielioppi ihan tärkeimmässä roolissa.

Puolalainen
18:45
I have a mental crisis

Takaisin Kallioon
18:47
you had one after coming back from you christmas holiday as well.

Puolalainen
18:47
yeah some kind of rule

Takaisin Kallioon
18:48
How bad is it?

Puolalainen
18:48
bad
it's different but kind of bad

(klip klip...)

Takaisin Kallioon

Do you want to discuss about your emotional crisis?

In skype or in real life, today or in near future...

Puolalainen
18:59
I don't know if I want

in general

I guess that you ahould know what I think about all it I know why I'm doing certain things

Takaisin Kallioon
19:01
That would be good.

And as I've said, I value honesty and straight talk very much.

Puolalainen
19:03
so shall I elaborate now I you wanna talk face to face

Takaisin Kallioon
19:04
Somehow I have a feeling that this is one of those conversations that are better to do face-to-face, but whatever feels best for you.

And we can always continue the talk face to face if we feel its necessary.

Puolalainen
19:09
I just don't know how to say that all I have in my head because for me It's quie clear but not in grate order

Takaisin Kallioon
19:10
Well, you can try laying it alla out in wichever order it comes out.

I think I can put the pieces together.

Puolalainen
19:12
In general the main idea is that I really love my boyfriend

and even if it might not work I feel quite commited

It's just feeling that I can give birth to his kids at some point in my life

but I also know that he even if he loves me v. much need some more time to grow up

I also know that probably he could try harder in our relationship but he didn't even though he was trying but things not always work in a way you want them to work

still, whaever is going to happen me beeing here is some kind for non official opportunity to try and search what I want

I used it but I always get to the same point in the end even if still have some doubts that I have found man of my life

i'm sure it's not pefect and it will never be but somehow works for me and I don't understand it myself

anyway one more thing I would like to tell you is that I have a feeling that somehow you got really involved and I don't wan't to lie to you that I know can manage this situation like it was till now anymore

I guess thats generally all

I'm really happy that we are friends but I just don't know how to deal with it now

Don't get me wrong, I do not regert or something, and don't feel bad about it I just think that it's just not fair

Takaisin Kallioon
19:26
It's good that you feel that towards your boyfriend and I've come to terms with that. Actually a bit envious even that you have such a great person who you feel strongly towards - something everyone seem so be looking for in life. I know that those types of feelings I can't compete with and knowing that I've already somehow let you go in my mind. As I've said, I feel that I'm only borrowing you for a while. Sure I got involved and loved every second of it, not regretting anything. You are a very close and important person to me and since friendships usually last for a lifetime whereas relationships tend to end at some point I'm more than happy to have you as a friend.

And on january 12th I actually wrote on my blog that if everything that has happened between you and me has made you realize the value of your relationship back home then it has been beneficial in the end. I felt like it then and I still stand behind my thoughts.

and believe it or not I was quite anticipating that type of reaction from you after the trip.

But still, if you don't have anything special after your exam tomorrow, it would be great to see you.

Puolalainen
19:37
I guess I'm happy that you feel like this

so you honestly have been expecing it, why?

I gess I'm not going to attend that exam because I haven't been studying for it at all, I tought the one that is tomorrow was today, shit happens

Takaisin Kallioon
19:41
Mainly since the last time you saw your boyfriend you were quite miserable and even though your answers were quite vague on the details of your worries back then I assumed that it more or less had something to do with me - if not directly, still somehow. Seeing as you had now more "data" about me, more experiences and more source material to think about I expected that a similar encounter with your boyfriend might trigger the feelings that had been slowly growing inside you.

And of course because a pessimist never gets disappointed that was my prognosis.

Quite frankly, if you would have left your boyfriend and said that you want to stay here in Finland with me - then I would have been quite lost since that wouldn't have been something I would have been prepared for.

You can't control your feelings, but since I'm often even too rational person, you can prepare for the likely outcome.

For me, it was mostly a matter of time.

I'd "lose you" when you leave back home at the latest.

Now that is of course just the rational part of my brain but still, I'm not overwhelmed or anything.

Puolalainen
19:47
you beeing so rational and all those things you are saying are a little bit scary for me

Takaisin Kallioon
19:47
how come?

Puolalainen
19:48
I don't know maybey I'm just so simple or that's something elese

Takaisin Kallioon
19:49
simple?

Puolalainen
19:50
mhm

Takaisin Kallioon
19:51
Well, for me the fact that you are dating has always been an issue even though it might not have seemed like it. Mainly it has held me back from letting myself truly go with my feelings, allow myself to feel the way I feel and also made me feel bad about my feelings.

All the reasoning and "thinking realistically" are also a way for me to control my feelings so that's probably one reason of my occationally overly rational approach.

Puolalainen
19:54
well sounds like explanation

Takaisin Kallioon
19:57
Sometimes it feels quite sad to do it because it would be great to just feel freely and experience everyhing directly without forcing yourself to process it logically first.

But yeah, that's probably a subject for a book.

Puolalainen
19:59
probably you are right

can I ask you something?

Takaisin Kallioon
19:59
sure.

Puolalainen
20:00
how this situation would be different if you wouldn't rationalize it?

Takaisin Kallioon
20:00
I would be crying right now instead of 5 minutes after we end this conversation. :)

The rationalization goes a way back and should I have not done it I would probably be a lot more involved in it than I am now.

And should I act just on my emotions - which would have been probably even greater - I wouldn't be feeling very good.

And if I would be madly in love with you my goal probably wouldn't be your happiness as much it is now. Then I might have been more self-centered and eager to have you as "my own".

Now I am truly and honestly happy that you have such a good relationship since those types of persons are really hard to find.

Not being rational I might think of him as an "enemy" or something that's just "in the way".

...and rationally thinking way back then, that is not something that I'd like to be so it seemed like the logical thing to do - not let myself get too involved.

How's that for scary?

Puolalainen
20:10
I still just don't know why you are doing it to yourself... and till it feels scary

Takaisin Kallioon
20:11
Because I want to feel - even if it goes through some mental filter - rather than to be numb all the time for one.

Because you really are a remarkable, beautiful, intelligent and awesome person who I could seriously think about having a relationship with for second.

Thirdly obviously I have a lot of tenderness and care that I want to give out.

But mainly the first. After a year and a half of just walking around without any major feelings towards other people it just didn't feel good anymore.

I know that I can manage on my own, sleep alone every night and not have anyone beside me but seriously that's not something that I'd want.

And since I wasn't directly hurting anyone it didn't feel that wrong.

Puolalainen
20:21
I guess I understand, at least somehow

Takaisin Kallioon
20:22
Of course it was a thing of worry for me you dating but even that went through the rationalization channel of my brain and mainly the idea is that there are two different solutions to that: 1) it will continue with you realizing the true value and importance of your relationship or 2) it would end and in that case hopefully something better would have taken its place.

Of course when trying to assure yourself you don't think that 3) it will be exposed and you would break up because of me leaving all three of us alone.

But as said, I don't regret anything and truly am happy that you have reached a conclusion.

After all, it makes my life a lot more simple as well.

(not having to go through endless possibilities and what-ifs).

Puolalainen
20:28
ok, good